Protect and Serve Ch. 05
Keywords: and, Serve, Protect, 05, Ch.,
"Thanks for meeting me," I said to Xander. I felt awkward and guilty and I wished to God I knew why I felt like that.
"Sure." He blushed. "Um, I wasn't really sure why you wanted to meet alone, and for me not to tell Adrian."
"Well, it's about last weekend. The party..." I faltered, unsure of how to ask him if anything had happened. If something had, how would he take it? Would he be upset that I didn't remember him rocking my world? And if nothing had happened, I would look like a drunken slut. Which, of course, I might be. Why do I always get myself into this kind of drama?
"Great party. Not that I remember much of it. I remember that stupid drinking contest, but nothing really after it," he said, without meeting my eyes.
I had suspected something had happened between us, and now as I watched him studiously pick the label off his bottle of beer, I knew something had. And I knew that he remembered exactly what it was. But Xander was the kind of guy who put others before himself. He would never admit that anything had happened. I didn't deserve this.
"I think you just told me everything I had to know. Look, I'm going to break things off with Adrian. I don't deserve him. Be there for him, ok?" I blinked back tears, and tried to push my way out of the crowd.
When I reached the sidewalk, I felt Xander grab my arm. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
I shot him a horrified look. I told him that I knew he had lied to me to protect me. That Adrian didn't deserve a girlfriend who'd cheated on him. Of course, what I didn't mention was the previous episode with Chris, and how Xander had been the second "mistake" of our relationship. Adrian was a genuinely decent guy, I told Xander.
He shot back that he had tried to protect our relationship because I'd made Adrian happier than he'd ever seen him. Yeah, he'd wanted me because he thought I was hot. But he had never wanted to break us up. He begged me to think it over, and promised that he'd never breathe a word of the episode to anyone.
I told him I'd think about it.
As the subway rattled its way to back to Queens, I found myself lost in my thoughts. Chris and I had needed closure. Maybe it was a bullshit excuse, but I could write off our one night stand, especially now that he was showing interest in other women. Maybe I should just write off the Xander episode as a drunken mistake. But could I?
When I entered my apartment, Duchess looked up and gave me her standard "oh, it's you" look. It wasn't until I walked into the kitchen and opened up the cat food that she deigned to forgive me for leaving the house. I saw my answering machine light blinking, and my heart wrenched as Adrian's voice filled my kitchen. He told me that he had to work until midnight, but how much he wanted to spend the night with his arms around me. Duchess rubbed up against my ankles in concern when she heard me begin to cry. I slid down to my floor and cuddled her close, trying to take solace in her purrs.
What was I going to do?
I was asleep when Adrian climbed into the bed next to me. The first thing I sensed was the smell of his soap, and the feeling that his lean body was still damp. He slid an arm around me and nuzzled my neck. I gave a soft sleepy noise, and he took that as assent. His hands slid up under my tank top and began to stroke and roll my nipples. I could feel his cock rubbing against the back of my panties and his tongue tormented the sensitive spot on my neck.
I rolled over and our lips met. I tried to block the images of Chris and Xander that were taunting me. I pulled my tank top off and Adrian moved to my breasts. As his teeth nipped and his hand slid between our legs and under my panties to massage my clit, Chris and Xander faded out of my mind and only Adrian remained.
Somehow, that night felt like more to me than just sex, or even love making. For the first time, I stopped trying to hide, stopped trying to protect myself from getting hurt, stopped trying to tell myself the little lies, and gave all of myself to someone else. Let's face it, most of the time when we have sex, we're in it for ourselves. That night, I was in it for both of us...his sighs and moans affected me as much as my own did. I grew intoxicated as the sensations built. When Adrian slid into me, I could feel him tremble at my hot and soaked welcome. As a climax rolled over me, I could feel his pleasure at my reactions.
I licked, rubbed, and sucked every inch of his body. I used my lips, my body, my hair, my nails to communicate my feelings to him. In those moments, I knew nothing but Adrian. The world telescoped down to just us. And when he came inside me, it was like an epiphany.
Long after Adrian had drifted off into sleep, I lay in his arms, turning my new awareness over and over in my head. Love. We worship it with cult like adoration, but do everything in our power to push it away when it comes knocking on our door. Sometimes we're not ready for it, and sometimes it's just so big and scary that we can't look at it.
Had I loved Chris? I could answer that question...of course I had. But I had loved him with an innocent's love. The kind of love we love with before we get hurt, before we become cynics, and before the hard questions have to be asked. The truth was, I had slept with him because I wanted to feel that innocent and unscarred again.
In many ways, Xander was still in that phase, and I suppose that's why I went after him. He was sweet, innocent in so many ways for all that his job was one that stripped away innocence quickly. He wasn't looking for someone to give him the world...just a girlfriend to give him some head. I never would've slept with him if I hadn't been drunk and scared of what I felt for Adrian.
Adrian... I looked at his sleeping face. His full lips were slightly parted, but they still wore the hint of a smile that I'd initially found attractive. I wasn't sure when it happened, but somewhere between the subway car and tonight, I'd lost my heart to him. I'd never felt so happy and so scared at the same time. I could feel tears fill my eyes as I contemplated that idea that he might not feel the same.
I tried not to hate myself for the idiocy I'd committed while trying to hide from myself. I could've thrown it all away, and ended up alone with some dusty archives and my cat for company. God, what if he found out? Could we have a real relationship without him knowing? I knew that Xander would never give away our secret. Same with Chris. Some secrets, I decided, hurt more than they help. I would keep mine.
When I awoke, Adrian was still there. He was playing with my hair and gave me a guilty smile for catching him at it. I kissed him, trying to say everything I'd figured out last night with something more eloquent than words. He seemed surprised at first, but answered my fervor with his own.
"Babe?"
"Yes?"
"I've been thinking...what would you think if I said I wanted to come home to you every night?" His smile was gone, and his eyes were filled with something I rarely saw...uncertainty.
"You want to move in together?" I bit my lip.
"Yes, I do. And I think I want more. I don't want to scare you...but I think I want a lot more than living together."
I kissed him. "Yes."
I didn't know where things would lead, or what lay ahead, but I said yes. I took the jump into the unknown. I rolled the dice, and took my chances. We moved in together, and have been living together happily for six months. And, for the record, I haven't even thought of another man in that way since that night.
Lately Adrian's been hinting that we should go ring shopping.
I don't know if I believe in fairy tales, or happily ever after. But that doesn't mean I'm not hoping for one...
Keywords: and, Serve, Protect, 05, Ch.,